Assignment

I have no idea if I missed an update last month. Boo hoo if I did. This month? Little story-type-thing.

You are a woolly mammoth.

You have lots of soggy, shaggy, long fur that keeps you nice and warm usually. You also have big tusks and a really long nose that you can easily use to sniff up things like water, dirt, small mammals, and cocaine.

You are also huge.

Holy crap, you’re huge. If the police had a lineup and the only description they had to go by was “huge”, you would be sent to prison if you were part of that lineup. Honestly, the word “huge” is the best possible word to describe you.

Take it from me.

You’re huge.

So, you’re huge, have tusks, and a wicked awesome ubernose. Your assignment is to go to the nearest village and stomp on everything.

Just kidding.

You don’t like stomping on things usually. No, what you’re going to do at the village is go to the grocery store to steal some watermelons. You can easily smuggle them in your aformentioned ubernose. It’s seriously that big. My god, man.

Anyway, getting away shouldn’t be a problem. The store is low-security, so it’s highly unlikely you’ll get caught unless you, like, yell out that you’re stealing watermelons or something stupid like that. Heck, even if you do, humans are so apathetic they probably won’t care, though it’s still not recommended. If someone does suspect that you’re smuggling watermelons, it’s not like they’ll tell anyone. You’re HUGE and you’ve got gigantic spikes growing out of your face. You don’t rat on huge people with facial spikes.

Even if they do try to tell on you, you can still just stomp all over whoever the authorities send to stop you. You can run decently fast, but even if they’re faster, you can always just stomp them out until they realize it’s not worth it to get back a few watermelons.

Now you may be wondering why those watermelons are so valuable to US but not them. It’s obvious that there isn’t anything inside one specific watermelon that we want, because otherwise we’d tell you to look for a specific watermelon.

Our interest is in the watermelon formula.

Let me explain:

It’s a secret that nobody has truly GROWN watermelons in almost thirty years now. Watermelons are an extinct fruit. Nope, nowadays people use artificial ingredients to make their watermelons. It’s actually a pretty cool science that will no doubt be used to make some really nifty kid’s toy in 2039 or something.

Anyway, those watermelons at that store are really good, and we want to get the formula behind them so we can make our own good watermelons.

See, we know a whole lot of things everyone else doesn’t. We know, for instance, that eventually money will have no value and monetary value will be determined by how good someone’s watermelons taste.

We are aware that those are the best tasting watermelons.

They are seriously some tasty melons.

Anyway, that’s why we’re recruiting you, the woolly mammoth, to grab some of those melons. Good luck.

~ by krakenzilla on November 30, 2008.