Exercise According to Tony Little: Part 2

Today’s entry concerns a useless exercise machine, and its equally useless DVD companions.

Yesterday we discussed the TONY LITTLE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL STEPPER, and how to use it. In fact, we discussed using it, particularly getting on it, about three times. I encourage you to go back to the last entry if you have not already read it.

Right. Today I will walk you through the two DVDs that go along with the ROCK ‘N” ROLL STEPPER. They’re not numbered, so I’ll just start with the blue one, entitled Total Body Fat Burning.

Now, before we begin I’d just like to point something out to you that the video taught me more than anything else: Tony Little is insane.

I don’t mean “Insane” as in “Rides bike downhill at forty miles per hour on a dare” insane. I mean picture Mr. T, only much more white and much less awesome. Tony just so happens to be the host of this exercise DVD, and because of this, as far as I know, this is the first time any exercise DVDs have ever actually frightened me. Just follow along to see why.

After a short musical introduction, Tony Little himself shows up onscreen on a raised area in the middle of an eerie black room. With him on this raised area are the Stepper itself, and two weights. Off of this raised area are a table, chair, and two pictures of a fit woman. Tony is holding the case of this very DVD we’re watching, and clutched between between the back and front covers is the disk itself. To me this seems like a good way to damage the DVD, but I guess it’s not like anything of value will be lost.

After greeting us, Tony introduces the machine by telling us how it will “Rock and roll” your fat, anger, and other stuff away. I never have been very good at deciphering how to use “Rock and roll” as a verb, and this video did not help. Tony says that when he saw the machine (which makes me question what really makes this Tony Little’s ROCK ‘N’ ROLL STEPPER) he was really “jazzed” about how it combines balance (I never have seen where “balance” ever becomes an issue with this machine, and once again this video did not help), core strengthening, flexibility, and cardio-workout, while eliminating “impact”, whatever that’s supposed to be.

Tony then tells us that the key here is technique, which will make this workout fun and safe. Whatever. He points out the three stages of beginner, intermediate, and advanced exercise, and then yells out his catchphrase, “YOU CAN DO IIIIT!” He will repeat this phrase constantly throughout the workout demonstration.

Tony promises to be our personal trainer here, but before he can get on with the training, he wastes some time discussing exercise apparel: Loose clothes, and comfortable shoes with good grip. Going barefoot is bad for some reason. Then he tells us that we must keep hydrated. “With what?”, ask clueless mortals who have never heard the first thing about exercise. Tony answers them by spontaneously jumping up and down and yelling, “WATER, WATER, WATER!!!” while I shrink back in terror.

Now it’s time to discuss the machine itself. He starts by introducing “features”, which actually means “how to get on it for the umpteenth time”. Let’s review that, since it’s been a couple of days since the last post and your brain is the size of a peanut:

Press one pedal down all the way to the floor. Then slowly put the other foot on the other pedal, and even yourself out by shifting your weight. If you want you can use a wall or a chair to balance.

Just in case you don’t already understand, he reviews it again for us.

Depress one pedal all the way to the floor. Then step up to the other pedal with the opposite foot, and move by shifting your weight.

Understand? If you do, Tony happily informs you that you are “in a great position TO GET A GREAT BUTT AND GREAT LEGS and great weight loss”, again scaring the crap out of me by spontaneously yelling.

Time for him to bring out his Model Assistant, Evette. Evette tells us that she has two children, one of which is thirteen. For some reason this shocks Tony, like teenagers are elusive as Yetis. Since Evette has not used the machine yet, Tony says we get to learn with her, because at this point it’s not like we’ve been shown how to use the machine about five times. Nuh-uh.

And, of course, the first thing you do is get on the machine. You depress one pedal all the way to the floor, tell your friends about this blog, and then you step up carefully to the other pedal with your opposite foot.

Tony again treats the fact that she balances just fine like it’s the shock of the century, because all humans are so terrible on their legs that standing on a small platform and moving their feet is soul-crushingly impossible. Now, it turns out that there are three modes of putting the pedals down: Full Stride (pedal goes all the way to the floor), Medium Stride (pedal doesn’t go all the way to the floor), and Short Stride (you wobble about like an idiot). Incredibly, Evette has no problem with this.

Time to introduce more EXERCISE VARIATIONS! We start with the AB SWINGER, in which you twist back and forth while using the machine. Then we have THE TWIST, which is actually pretty much the same thing except your arms are outstretched.

The next variation is called the Hug Me, which is funny, you see, because it sounds at first as though Tony is inviting Evette to hug him. Oh, but before they introduce the actual exercise they have to move the machine back a bit, because it has alarmingly scooted almost all the way off the raised area already. Now, the “Hug Me” is where you, while using the machine, of course, squeeze your arms together. Tony tells us how easy it is to use his Stepper, which I just realized almost sounds like a euphemism.

Now it’s time for the Shoulder Hustle, in which move your arms up and down. Tony tells us that for this exercise, in fact, for any other exercise he shows us, you can use handweights. He tells us that he will show us how this is done later, then realizes that he still needs to kill time, and decides to just show us right now. So now Evette is doing the same exercise, except with handweights.

Evette begins the Walk it Off in which you swing your arms like an idiot (forward and back, this time). Shortly after, it’s time for Tricep Funk, which sounds like some kind of fungus that grows off of the sweat of naughty athletes that don’t shower. Tony demands that Evette “GIVE [HIM] SOME SQUEEZE”, which sounds A LOT like a euphemism. Then he yells out his catchphrase, “YOU CAN DO IIIIT!” Then we learn the Bicep Boogie, which is still the same thing except you don’t swing your arms.

And that’s all the exercise variations. Tony tells us that we should always use a room with carpet and lots of space. He thanks Evette for joining him, and she leaves. Tony shows us how to take our pulse. Basically in ten seconds you count how many beats occur on your wrist, and multiply the number by sixty. Once it’s in the area that corresponds with your number on the heart rate chart (mentioned last post) you can stop cooling off and actually do something productive.

Lastly, it’s time to see our exercise schedule. It basically switches between “Toning” and “Resistance” every day of the work week (I’m not sure if that means you alternate between DVDs or what), and then on the weekends “YOU’RE OFF”! Tony reminds us of the hotline we can always call, and that we should always believe in ourselves and remember, “You can do it!”

But that’s not all of the DVD. Now we must watch Tony’s Workout Walkthrough.

The starting two minutes are how you warm up. You know how you warm up? You WALK. That’s honestly about it. As Tony demonstrates, weird techno music plays in the background. See, the music is supposed to enhance your exercise somehow. Tony yells out “YOU CAN DO IIIIIT!” three times throughout these two minutes. I can walk? Really, Tony? I’m just a beginner, after all. Tony also feels the need to yell out, “ROCK AND ROOOOOLL!!!” Hold me.

Hey, guys! Do you know how to get on the ROCK ‘N’ ROLL STEPPER? Shut up, no you don’t.

You simply depress one pedal all the way down to the floor, then slowly get on the other using your other kill babies foot, and shift your weight.

The techno music continues throughout this exercise. According to Tony, this song is called Mr. Beat, which he claims as another name for himself. I find calling him Mr. Beet much more entertaining. He informs us that, because the beginner level is five minutes of exercise, “you’re already there”! That’s great. Then he suddenly commands us to “be quiet for a second” (?!) and listen to the beat.

Tony reminds us of the fact that we’re incorporating a whole bunch of elements into the exercise, and then tells us that this exercise is like dancing, which it isn’t, and then says that it is “rock and roll”, which has now officially lost all meaning to me.

The music changes every time we do an exercise variation, so we get different music as we start Ab Swinger. Tony suddenly proclaims “LOOK AT MEEE!” in a squeaky voice. He’s probably on the streets as I type this. Dear god.

Then, after another “You can do it!” we get a sudden close-up on his face as he bugs out his eyes and contemplates reaching through the screen and eating me.

I don’t know about you, but I’m locking my doors tonight.

We start doing the Twist as Tony tells us that we “have to give it up”. I’m guessing “it” would be our souls. Back to Rock ‘N’ Roll, which means you’re just using the machine without arm movement. Eventually we hit the five minute mark, at which Tony tells beginners to “GET OUTTA HERE!” because you’re not good enough for anything ever. Fortunately, if you’re intermediate you can keep going.

As we begin to do the Hug Me I contemplate the bookshelf to my left, particularly my copy of The Green Mile, particularly how I could start reading it right now.

Time for the Shoulder Hustle. I think I’m should go get Different Seasons instead, since I still haven’t finished it.

Tony Little, in an effort to reclaim my attention, mentions that this song is called Lost Highway, and that I’ve just found mine – my highway to success! Yeah, I’m gonna go get my book.

I didn’t miss much. Apparently now we’re doing the Walk it Off. Tony tells us that we are just taking a walk in the privacy of “our” own home, as though we’re living in the same house. Actually, that’s probably true. He’s probably under my bed as we speak.

As Tony Little starts Rock ‘N’ Roll again, he suddenly asks us about drive-in theaters, which then seagues into him telling us about how he’s fifty, and still better than everyone else at everything.

Time for intermediates to get out as we start Advanced workout. Now the song is more “hardcore” than the earlier songs. The hardcoriness quickly disappears, however, as he starts a new exercise variation.

I remove earwax from my ears using my nails and realize I need to trim them. That ever happen to you? Realize you need to trim your nails when it hurts to scratch your ear? …nevermind.

Tony Little reminds us that we are Advanced, which means we should have great legs and stuff, and be able to outrun our kids, or maybe just that we’re capable of walking and swinging our arms for fifteen minutes. Also, in case you’d forgotten, YOU CAN DO IIIIT!

With two minutes to go, Tony tells us that we’re almost done, and, once again, that we’re advanced. Tony tells us of the importance to believe in ourselves, and to “go for it”. As we finally finish we have to start the cool down – walk around in circles again. Tony tells us that this victory song is entitled Miracle, because it’s a miracle that you can shift your weight for fifteen minutes. As he continues the cool-down routine of checking the heart rate and such he gives various tidbits of wisdom about life and stuff while I slam my face against my keyboard, and finally he ends the video.

Now, about this point I would be saying something like “OH BUT THAT’S NOT ALL THAT EVIL TONY LITTLE HAS UNLEASHED UPON THE HUMAN RACE” and recap the second DVD. The thing is, though, that the second DVD has things in common with the first one. In fact, it has a lot in common with the first one. In fact, it’s exactly the same as the first one except the cover and menu screen are now more red. Saves me work, I guess. If you absolutely feel you must know how the red DVD goes, just reread everything you just read. If you’re looking for something different, something in which I actually do something creative instead of picking apart an obscure exercise set, then come back in a few days when I conclude this trilogy of blog posts. Farewell!

~ by krakenzilla on July 24, 2008.