Yahoo Answers, and so do I

This entry concerns what you can learn from this blog.

I recently noticed this: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081004150141AAniL50

I think it’s pretty neat that this blog is now officially a legitimate source to cite on Yahoo Answers. Of course, Yahoo Answers isn’t exactly known for its intelligent question subjects, and The Turtle Says Hello isn’t exactly the best blog entry I’ve… entered, but still! It gives food for thought, if that entry can be cited to answer an actual question someone has, why can’t my other entries here? Let’s take a look at what other questions can be answered using this blog:

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/06/11/edible-png-files/ Does KrakenZilla suck at putting letters on three-dimensional shapes?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/06/22/beep-beep-boop/ How can you prevent your website from being hacked?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/06/27/grarr/ Is Cloverfield overhyped?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/07/07/this-is-sewius/ Is WonderPets the most kick-awesome show ever, or what? What kind of message should I give my young children about moose as an animal?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/07/08/will-never-threaten-to-stab-you/ Does KrakenZilla fail miserably at socializing? Does Valve fail miserably at making easily describable puzzle games?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/enhanced-mario-siblings/ Which is the most efficient Super Mario Bros. 2 character?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/07/21/exercise-according-to-tony-little-part-1/ Am I the only one that thinks the Tony Little Rock ‘N’ Roll Stepper is silly?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/07/24/exercise-according-to-tony-little-part-3/ And that Tony Little is a scary person?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/07/28/exercise-according-to-tony-little-part-3-2/ Does KrakenZilla have a future in the exercise machine industry?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/08/06/the-streets-of-san-francisco/ Is KrakenZilla a noob at cities?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/08/15/aye-vee-pee/ Is KrakenZilla the last sane person on the planet?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/08/24/ladies/ Is KrakenZilla sane?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/09/10/monitor-stand/ No seriously, I’m worried.

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/10/11/pardon-the-abandonment/ How can you be safe on a bicycle?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/10/25/why-they-cut-the-umbilical-cord/ Why do they cut the umbilical cord/Are you SURE KrakenZilla is sane?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/11/30/assignment/ adsfasgsh I DON’T HAVE A QUESTION FOR THIS ONE. I FAIL. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2008/12/21/why-so-early/ Can you make a comic out of random movie screenshots?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2009/01/01/have-a-harry-new-year/ Does the Dirty Harry series have any recurring themes?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/fanta-stick-four/ Does KrakenZilla fail miserably at blog updates?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2009/05/15/take-me-out-of-the-ball-game/ Is Baseball closely linked with satanism?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2009/06/05/clever-title-about-vampires-or-something/ Is there any audience KrakenZilla isn’t willing to alienate from his blog?

http://krakenzilla.wordpress.com/2009/07/04/step-on-you-crazy-devil/ Does KrakenZilla suck at rewriting songs?

This is your entry for this week and you are happy to have it despite it being a couple days late.

Edit: Wtf, wordpress? Not recognizing full URL’s, are we? AFNDSGNIDKMYBFFJILLADFGSD;KJ  I HATE MANUAL HYPERLINKING

Step on You Crazy Devil

HI THERE. I’M STILL ACKNOWLEDGING THE LACK OF UPDATES TO THIS BLOG, AND THAT MAKES IT STILL OKAY.

This entry concerns the Rock ‘N’ Roll Stepper. For the last time.

As of a week or two ago, I can’t remember, the Tony Little Rock ‘N’ Roll Stepper has left the house, never to be seen again.

It’s mostly a result of my mother’s strange way of thinking (if you can call it that). In fact, the entire chapter of my life dedicated to Tony Little’s Rock ‘N’ Roll Stepper probably results from nothing but my mother’s strange thinking patterns. It was her strange patterns of thought that prompted her to buy the Rock ‘N’ Roll Stepper in the first place. Later, one of the rubber thingies on the Stepper that kept the pedals at equal height and added resistance when one of them was depressed broke, thus lowering the contraption’s status from Useless to, somehow, Half Below Useless.

My mom’s thought patterns kicked in again, as, rather than doing the sensible thing and saying goodbye to the Stepper, she simply cut off the OTHER rubber piece, effectively turning the Stepper’s status to Fully Below Useless. Then she kept it for months after that, though granted, her keeping the Stepper at that point probably had less to do with her fooling herself into thinking it still worked, and more to do with her keeping it a corner of the house and forgetting about it, just like she tends to do with just about all of her exercise machines.

Fast forward several months. Suddenly, mom has a burst of rational thought. During this burst, she recognizes that the stepper is doing nothing except taking up space and gathering dust. She finally realizes that it is time to part with it. She loaded it in the car…

…and gave it to the thrift store so someone else could buy it…

So maybe she hadn’t gone COMPLETELY sane yet, but hey, she got rid of the Rock ‘N’ Roll stepper, and that’s what counts.

It’s kind of odd. The stepper was always a nuisance to me, especially when I was tripping over the dang thing, but it was an amusing nuisance. The sight of it brought back happy memories of seeing it for the first time, and the mixed feelings of surprise, disgust, and hilarity it brought on then. It brought back the fun memories of reading the manual and watching the DVDs, and laughing at them. It brought back the fond memory of WHEN I ACTUALLY UPDATED THIS THING.

And oddly enough, despite all of the hate I’ve expressed for the Stepper, and despite the joy I experienced when I learned that my mom was getting rid of it, reflecting on the fact that I will never see it again makes me a bit, well, sad. So I wrote a song about it.

And by “wrote a song about it”, I mean, “took a song by The Who and substituted some of the words in it so that it sounds like it’s about the Stepper”. Here it is:

The Stepper’s over
It’s all behind me
There’s no more manual
And no more DVD’s

The Stepper’s over
But I remember
When it was brought here
I thought it’d never.

I’d Step all day to try to find out its purpose
I’d Step with guidance from its two DVD’s
I’d Step for hours, but it never did nothing.
I’d Step for hours, it never exercised me.

I’d tell my blog about how much I hated it.
I’d tell my blog about how I thought it was lame.
I’d tell them everything but omit just one detail
I didn’t tell them that I wasn’t the same.

And so it sat there, and we all forgot
About that silly little thing we got.
It lost all purpose when we noticed it breaking
Decided it best for someone else to be taking.

And now it’s over
It’s at a thrift store.
I kind of miss it
Can’t laugh at it anymore.

But I still Step in my heart with Tony
I’ll Step forever, only metaphorically
I’ll Step all night, and it’s no euphamism
I’ll Step for the Rock ‘N’ Roll Stepper’s memory.

I’ll tell my blog about mundane things that I do
I’ll do that once more, this time regularly.
I’ll try my best to entertain the internet
That’s what Tony Little would have wanted of me.

The Stepper’s over
But I’ll remember.
The things it’s done for us
Live on forever.

The Stepper’s over
The Stepper’s over

So yeah. There’s that. Keeping true to my promise, I’ve already got an entry planned for next week, which is more than I could have said for the past several months. Whoo! Empty promises!

Clever title about vampires or something

Today’s entry concerns little girls, vampires, and why I’m sick of them both.

There’s a weird thing going on with American media, I think. It’s sort of a reverse of the way things are supposed to be – things that aren’t scary are now being portrayed as scary, and things that were supposed to be scary are now no longer objects of scariness.

First off, the thing that used to be not scary that is now supposed to make us wet ourselves on sight: little girls. Specifically, little girls with white skin, white dresses, and long black hair. I’m talking about the one in the Grudge series, I’m talking about the one in the Ring series, I’m talking about every single one that has been in every single horror movie and video game lately.

What is it that makes little girls so dang scary all of a sudden? Sure, they USED to be creepy when they were new and used properly, but now that every horror movie ever is slapping them in there, they’re losing their charm. What’s next for the horror genre? Are we going to start being expected to cower at the sight of flowers and butterflies?

Now, the OTHER side of the coin is that something that used to be scary is no longer viewed that way, and that something is, of course, vampires. Vampires are people with sharp teeth that feast on other people’s blood, basically. That’s a pretty creepy idea. Creepier than little girls, anyway. Yet, somehow, Vampires are becoming the latest fad in sexiness instead.

Far as I know, the start of this fad was the Twilight series, in which author Stephanie Meyer told the story of Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen is a vampire, except by “vampire” I mean he has superpowers and eats lots of meat. Because Stephanie Meyer does a good job of convincing teenage girls of how great Edward is (read: she reminds them a lot), every teenage girl in America is now in love with Edward Cullen.

Naturally, just as sharks become attracted to the violent thrashes of bleeding fish, the media took notice of the thousands of teenage girls getting excited over vampires. I probably don’t need to tell you what the result is. Vampires have a new image. They’re not scary creatures that haunt the night. Now they’re just pretty, angsty teenagers with superpowers that don’t particularly care for sunlight.

There’s no DOWNSIDE to being a vampire anymore. It doesn’t make you ugly, it doesn’t give you aversion to garlic, it doesn’t prevent you from seeing yourself in the mirror, it doesn’t even make you want to drink people’s blood, or if it does, it’s always easily controlled, or there are always ways to get the blood fix without murdering innocent young girls in an alley. Vampires can quite easily blend in with society now.

It just bothers me that vampires are becoming a girly thing now. Especially because vampires used to PREY on young girls, and now young girls and vampires are the best of friends. What’s next? Is every 14-year-old girl named Ashley going to fall in love with Igor? There we go, the assistant to Dr. Frankenstein has conveniently lost his hunchback and transformed into Zac Efron, and now must escape his mad scientist life to be with the girl of his dreams. When that happens, I want you to go out and tell everybody you know that I called it.

I’ll be too busy hanging myself.

Take me out of the ball game

This entry is me rambling on and trying to get back in the groove of writing silly blog posts.

I think the Beatles are too popular for their psychadelic rock. Strawberry Fields, I am the Walrus, Everything on the White Album, they’re all good, but people seldom mention the early things they did, back when they had shaved faces, short hair, and wrote songs about girls instead of acid trips. A Hard Day’s Night is probably my second favorite Beatles album.

First favorite being the White Album, of course.

What else is there for discussion? Apparently Baseball Season is happening. Baseball season is not, sadly, the time of year when it’s appropriate to hunt and kill baseball fans and participants. Baseball season is, rather, the time of year when it’s appropriate for baseball fans and participants to broadcast their programs on stations that would ordinarily be playing classic rock.

You might have gathered, a classic rock station I regularly listen to is having its annual takeover by the People Describing a Baseball Game show. You also might have gathered, I’m pissy about it, and I’m blogging about how pissy I am about it.

So what do I usually do when the ideas of “I am pissy about something” and “I want to blog about it” align in my brain? I write jokes and crap about whatever I’m pissy about until I feel I’ve achieved some sort of victory over it. Thus, JOKES AND CRAP ABOUT BASEBALL:

JOKES:
What is proper attire for radio station pirates?
RIVERCATS CAPS.

The Rivercats are playing the Giants in their massive stadium, but suddenly the stadium is blown to smithereens and all the players die. Who wins?
SOCIETY.

SARCASM:
I LOVE SITTING AND LISTENING TO PEOPLE DESCRIBE BASEBALL GAMES.
SO MUCH.
SERIOUSLY.

MORE JOKES:
What do you call a baseball fan’s dog?
BASEBALL FANS CAN’T HAVE DOGS BECAUSE THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF FEELING LOVE FOR ANOTHER BEING.

SILLY PICTURE:

Hooray! I succeeded at winning the mission!

So, school is also out as of next week, which means pretty soon I’ll probably start updating this blog more regularly again, so that’s something to look forward to.

Oh my god.

I’ll have time to watch Wonder Pets again.

*WOOT*

Fanta Stick Four

So, obviously the blog is no longer as regular as it was before. Since school isn’t over yet, I can’t say for sure if it will be again in the near future, but you might as well check by every month. This entry is another comic like my Dark Knight one.

Remember when I did that comic with random screenshots I took from The Dark Knight? That was fun. I did another using pictures from The Fantastic Four. Unless I get strong objections, I’ll probably do more of those for future updates. But then again, I said the same thing about Sexy Thing in My Room of the Week, but I’d probably like to do more of those, too. OH THE LOST DREAMS.

Speaking of STiMRotW, my Red-and-White Sexy Dalek Supreme Customized Keyboard (jeez, are my names long and complicated) passed away… ages ago, actually. It spazzed out and malfunctioned. Luckily, we had a spare keyboard. Then, one night while cleaning the keys on that one, I found that the spacebar was virtually impossible to put back on. The hook and clip mechanism they had was designed by Satan, I swear. So now I have a new keyboard. Now the only thing on my computer that hasn’t been upgraded is the mouse, which doesn’t really need to be upgraded anyway. Yet.

Oh, and apologies if the Dirty Harry update wasn’t as good as it could have been. That was a mostly un-proofread version I hastily uploaded at night (though apparently that didn’t cut it for WordPress, since it was classified under January anyway). Maybe I’ll go back and edit it. And fix the picture on the Cloverfield post. Maybe.

Have a Harry New Year

Ha! I told you I’d get an entry in before December lets out! Two and a half hours until 2009 where I live, so suck it! Today’s entry is about the Dirty Harry movie series.

And just so you know, this post WILL feature spoilers for all five Dirty Harry films. If you’re interested in seeing them and don’t want them spoiled, sorry, this update is not for you.

The Dirty Harry series is about the adventures of a tough cop named Harry Callahan. Harry cares more about justice than rules and what people (namely, his superiors) think. The Dirty Harry series is responsible likely most primarily for popularizing the police movie genre featuring tough, renegade cops. In this post, I’ve highlighted several reccuring plot points and themes in the series, such as how there’s always at least one psycho that Harry will have stopped (read: shot) by the end of the movie, there’s always a line that happens early on in the film that is repeated at the end, the chief of police is always angry at Harry for some reason, and actor Albert Popwell tends to make cameo appearances in four of the five movies in the series. Thus, we start with:

Dirty Harry (1971)

The psycho(s) Harry has to stop: Totally insane guy known only as the “scorpio killer”.
Harry’s Partner: Chico Gonzales, a Mexican man (Harry’s partners have significantly varying ethnicities throughout the series) who is newer to the police force. Harry is quick to accept Chico at first, mainly because his partners tend to get injured on the job, but soon enough Harry comes to terms with Chico. Unfortunately, Chico is shot in an encounter with Scorpio, but survives and is hospitalized. He resigns from the police department after that.
Harry’s Girlfriend: He doesn’t have one in this film, but they do make mention how his wife was killed by a drunk driver.
Recurring Line: “I know what you’re thinking, ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ To tell you the truth, in all this excitement I’ve lost track myself, but being this a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself a question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well do ya, punk?” said to a bank robber near the beginning of the movie (turns out he was bluffing, he  was out of bullets, but the robber wasn’t feeling lucky anyway), and to the Scorpio Killer at the end (Scorpio apparently was feeling lucky enough to try to attack Harry again, but this time Harry had one bullet left, which naturally ended up killing Scorpio).
Why the Chief is Angry at Harry: Harry’s methods of stopping Scorpio are more rough than the people on the force are used to. At the end of the film, after he shoots Scorpio, Harry throws away his badge, possibly anticipating the negative consequences killing Scorpio will bring.
Albert Popwell: Plays the bank robber to which Harry first says this movie’s Recurring Line.

Magnum Force (1973)

The psycho(s) Harry has to stop: Band of rookie police officers that kill criminals and people who get in their way. Their leader is none other than the current police chief himself.
Harry’s Partner: Earlington Smith, a black man. He gets killed by a bomb in his mailbox planted by the vigilante officers.
Harry’s Girlfriend: A girl who lives in the same apartment as Harry.
Recurring Line: “A man has got to know his limitations”, spoken to the corrupt police chief once during the beginning of the film, and again after Harry has killed him.
Why the Chief is Angry at Harry: Harry’s trying to stop the chief’s underground vigilante operation. You’d be angry, too.
Albert Popwell: A pimp who gets killed by the vigilantes.

The Enforcer (1976)

The psycho(s) Harry has to stop: Terrorist group called the People’s Revolutionary Strike Force.
Harry’s Partner: Because the chief is angry at Harry (see Why the Chief is angry at Harry), Harry is temporarily transferred from the Homicide unit to the Personnel unit, where he meets Kate Moore, who is applying for the rank of Inspector. He is angered that she and others applying with her have little or no experience in homicide or, in fact, have made any arrests at all, while there are far more experienced officers who haven’t been put in Homicide. Later, Harry is transferred back to Homicide, and Kate ends up as his new partner. He is frustrated when her lack of experience in Homicide becomes apparent time and again. However, he eventually sees her good qualities, and as the bond between them is strengthened, she becomes…
Harry’s Girlfriend: Whether or not there is any romance between Harry and Kate is up for debate, but he becomes friends with a girl, in any case. Unfortunately, this doesn’t last long, because in the final fight between the police force and the Strike Force, Kate is shot and killed.
Recurring Line: “Don’t concern yourself, inspector,” spoken from Kate to Harry during the many times Harry is concerned she will get hurt or killed on the job, and then finally right before she dies. Harry also remarks sarcastically, “Marvelous” many times when her lack of experience is demonstrated.
Why the Chief is Angry at Harry: As usual, he doesn’t like Harry’s rough methods of crime-fighting, which is what causes him to get transferred to Personnel temporarily. Then when the police department intends to lie to the press about the Strike Force being apprehended, Harry announces in front of the press that this is a lie (and not in an especially tactful way, either), causing him to get suspended.
Albert Popwell: Plays ‘Big’ Ed Mustapha, the leader of a black militant group who helps in identifying a few members of the Strike Force.

Sudden Impact (1983)

The psycho(s) Harry has to stop: Originally, he’s sent to another city to investigate the murders of several small-time criminals. The person murdering the criminals is Jennifer Spencer. She’s out for revenge against them after they gang raped her and her sister. Her sister was so traumatized by the event that she has been in a catatonic state ever since. Harry ends up siding with Jennifer when he finds out. He saves her from the last of the criminals and police investigation.
Harry’s Partner: When he is reassigned, he has no partner, but several people do help him out with his investigation a bit.
Harry’s Girlfriend: Jennifer Spencer. He runs into her before he learns that she is the murderer he is looking for, and they share many of the same views on justice, or the lack thereof in the world. When the criminals she’s out to kill are done with, Harry covers for her so it looks like she had no involvement, understanding her motive.
Recurring Line: “Go ahead, make my day.” spoken from Harry to a bank robber near the beginning when Harry is pointing a gun at him and the robber is threatening to shoot a hostage. Said again to one of the criminals Jennifer is after when said criminal is holding Jennifer at gunpoint.
Why the Chief is Angry at Harry: When Harry is reassigned, the chief in the new city is angry because of Harry’s usual unconventional methods of crimefighting.
Albert Popwell: Plays Horace King, an old friend of Harry’s. When Harry is reassigned, Horace gives him a dog as a gift. Harry is not very happy about it.

The Dead Pool (1988)

The psycho(s) Harry has to stop: Harlan Rook, a crazy schizophrenic who believes that a filmmaker named Peter Swan is stealing his thoughts to make movies out of them (See? Crazy). Harlan starts killing people who are involved with Swan’s films, until Harry shoots him, of course.
Harry’s Partner: An Asian man named Al Quan. Al is a martial arts expert. By the end of the film, Al is severely injured and out of commission, but alive.
Harry’s Girlfriend: Samantha Walker, a reporter whom Harry dislikes at first. However, when he learns that she is not like other reporters he’s met, they get along better.
Recurring Line: “You’re shit-outta-luck,” said from Harry to a robber in one scene, and to Harlan at the end of the movie before shooting him with a harpoon gun.
Why the Chief is Angry at Harry: In addition to the usual reasons, the Chief wishes Harry would improve his public relations skills, but Harry is not fond of the press because of how their pushiness can sometimes turn situations for the worse. His attitude presumably softens a bit when he dates Samantha.
Albert Popwell: He’s not in this one.

So, there you have it, the last post of the year, and hasn’t it been a good one? Everyone enjoy having a 9 in the year number for the first time in a decade. Goodnight!

Why so early?

Today’s entry is a comic.

I just made this, and figured it would be alright with this blog. Expect another update before December lets out.

It’s a comic using random screenshots I took from The Dark Knight.

Part 1

Part 2

Everyone in Gotham is now upgrading to Bluetooths, except Batman. Batman has been using them since 1982.

Assignment

I have no idea if I missed an update last month. Boo hoo if I did. This month? Little story-type-thing.

You are a woolly mammoth.

You have lots of soggy, shaggy, long fur that keeps you nice and warm usually. You also have big tusks and a really long nose that you can easily use to sniff up things like water, dirt, small mammals, and cocaine.

You are also huge.

Holy crap, you’re huge. If the police had a lineup and the only description they had to go by was “huge”, you would be sent to prison if you were part of that lineup. Honestly, the word “huge” is the best possible word to describe you.

Take it from me.

You’re huge.

So, you’re huge, have tusks, and a wicked awesome ubernose. Your assignment is to go to the nearest village and stomp on everything.

Just kidding.

You don’t like stomping on things usually. No, what you’re going to do at the village is go to the grocery store to steal some watermelons. You can easily smuggle them in your aformentioned ubernose. It’s seriously that big. My god, man.

Anyway, getting away shouldn’t be a problem. The store is low-security, so it’s highly unlikely you’ll get caught unless you, like, yell out that you’re stealing watermelons or something stupid like that. Heck, even if you do, humans are so apathetic they probably won’t care, though it’s still not recommended. If someone does suspect that you’re smuggling watermelons, it’s not like they’ll tell anyone. You’re HUGE and you’ve got gigantic spikes growing out of your face. You don’t rat on huge people with facial spikes.

Even if they do try to tell on you, you can still just stomp all over whoever the authorities send to stop you. You can run decently fast, but even if they’re faster, you can always just stomp them out until they realize it’s not worth it to get back a few watermelons.

Now you may be wondering why those watermelons are so valuable to US but not them. It’s obvious that there isn’t anything inside one specific watermelon that we want, because otherwise we’d tell you to look for a specific watermelon.

Our interest is in the watermelon formula.

Let me explain:

It’s a secret that nobody has truly GROWN watermelons in almost thirty years now. Watermelons are an extinct fruit. Nope, nowadays people use artificial ingredients to make their watermelons. It’s actually a pretty cool science that will no doubt be used to make some really nifty kid’s toy in 2039 or something.

Anyway, those watermelons at that store are really good, and we want to get the formula behind them so we can make our own good watermelons.

See, we know a whole lot of things everyone else doesn’t. We know, for instance, that eventually money will have no value and monetary value will be determined by how good someone’s watermelons taste.

We are aware that those are the best tasting watermelons.

They are seriously some tasty melons.

Anyway, that’s why we’re recruiting you, the woolly mammoth, to grab some of those melons. Good luck.

Why They Cut the Umbilical Cord

Today’s entry concerns why they cut the umbilical cord.

Could you imagine if people KEPT their umbilical cords? They’d have to be carrying them around everywhere, making sure not to step on everyone else’s, and plugging them into stuff. That’s right, adult-sized umbilical cords fit right into a computer’s USB port. God help the person plugging in if they have internet connection.

Robert: Ooh! I’m gonna Bittorrent Jeremy! *click*
Jeremy (half across town): Nooooo!

And THAT’s why they cut the umbilical cord.

Pardon the Abandonment

Today’s entry is an excuse, both for the past and likely the future.

So, my blog got a new comment, which suddenly made me aware that I really had been putting off writing a new entry for a long time. I have several excuses, the primary one being school, the gigantic waste of time it is this year. Before that, I had a much better (well, more interesting anyway) excuse. I’ll tell you by showing you some DO’s and DON’T’s of bicycle riding in a very hilly area.

Don’t go close to thirty MPH downhill on a bicycle when the downhill street you’re riding down empties out into a street going the other direction.

Why?

Because once you get going that fast, you cannot make a sufficient gradual turn to go along with the sudden sharp turn change. That’s okay if going off the road means you’ll just hit some nice flat dirt or somewhere on which you can slow to a stop on. That’s defnitely NOT okay if going off the road means going into a sudden excessively steep hill covered with slippery pine needles and trees.

What should you do in that case?

Don’t lightly squeeze the brakes in an attempt to slow down, even if the bike starts to slow. Especially don’t brake the front tire

Why?

Because that generates A LOT of friction and heat between the brakes and the tires. Not letting off the brakes once or twice means they don’t get a chance to cool off, and eventually, once they get hot enough, they stick to the tires. This means a full, sudden stop.

What happens when you hit a full sudden stop of both wheels after going almost thirty MPH?

The bike stops. You don’t. Rather, you go flying forward off the bike and into somebody’s gravelly driveway. In my case, judging by some injuries, I flipped off the bike, hit the ground with part of my head and my back, tumbled forward and slid on the gravelly driveway arms outstretched.

Sounds awesome! What’s the problem?

Right palm skinned and injured. That’s a problem. Left shoulder and back scraped. That’s bad. Left elbow severely wounded, leg and hip scraped up. That’s a pain. Entire left arm, including hand, losing motion and experiencing excrutiating pain. That’s a bad, painful problem.

Here are some DO’s I took from the experience:

DO wear a helmet while riding a bike. Helmets cost money, you may have trouble fitting one, and they look dorky. WEAR ONE ANYWAY. My head and neck took absolutely no damage, but the helmet had a bad break and needed to be replaced. I tested the helmet in the backyard, and it turns out that the force it took to break the helmet like that could be equated to a good smack with a crowbar. WEAR A HELMET.

DO make sure you have plenty of neosporin (or something like it), bandages, bandaids, anti-bacterial fluid (hydrogen peroxide is what we use), and light anti-pain pills (we used ibuprofen).

That was several weeks ago. I’ve gotten some nifty scars from it, and my left arm is still not working quite right.

There. That’s a blog entry. I hope you enjoy it (all three of you), because you won’t be seeing them as frequently as I put them up before. I created this blog to combat summer boredom. Summer’s over. Now I’ll try to do a monthly-at-least update like I intended in the first place. Looks like this is OCTOBER’S. I may update more than once a month, but I’m not dedicating myself to anything here.